Asian Toilets Review ( 4.0 out of 10 ) ...

May 14, 2008 ... Review by Chad

Japan is king of a couple of things. In the 90s it was king of the video game, and apparently before that it was still king of “the game” as we’ll call it in this review. Today I’d like to have a candid conversation with you about Japanese toilets.

Before video games, there were carnival games. I’m convinced that Japan loved these so much that as a country, they decided to create the hardest game of all… hitting the bull’s eye on the Japanese toilet.

This is the toughest game since A Boy and His Blob. I’ve probably only hit the bull’s eye a handful of times in my many, many uses. It’s kind of like a game of darts, except darts that explode if they happen to miss the dartboard.

For the first two years I was in Japan, I didn’t even know how to approach the Japanese toilet. Do I shake its hand? Do I attack from an angle? Am I missing a body part vital in achieving my goal? How do I spare my pants from the shame of defeat? All these questions were buzzing in my head when I finally figured it out… you have to squat down and hope for a miracle.

That’s it. That’s the only way I can see using this thing effectively. It doesn’t come with an instruction manual (it should have), and I’m not really sure if I should have consulted someone. But the best way I’ve found to beat “the game” is to lean back and thrust one arm against the wall while you shield your pants from danger with the other. And then, if the starts are aligned just right, you might be able to hit the dartboard. As far as hitting the bull’s eye though, that’s something that happens about as often as finding Ermac in the original Mortal Kombat. A little over everyone’s head? How about as often as shooting a red fireball as Ryu in Street Fighter II.

In fact, using this toilet instead of the far superior Western toilet may have been a large part of Ryu’s success in becoming the strongest of all of the World Warriors. Ken, you’ve got a long ways to go.

Completion Time – I’m working on three years and I’m still a n00b.

4/10

Asian Toilets At A Glance
	4.0	The Good	The joy of victory. Impresses chicks. You probably will have fun even if you lose.
		The Bad	When you miss the bull’s eye and there’s no water to submerge your missle. You’re just left to get a whiff of that mother.
	Flawed	The Verdict	Don't even let your friends play it

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